


Until we die, and after

by orphan_account



Category: Johnny's Entertainment, Sexy Zone
Genre: Additional Warnings In Author's Note, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-11-30
Updated: 2014-11-30
Packaged: 2018-02-27 15:06:14
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,908
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2697371
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Fuma can remember every life he has lived, and the silver lining that connects all of them is Kento.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Until we die, and after

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Hyuuzu](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Hyuuzu/gifts).



> I was prompted to write this fic by Hyuuzu-Chan. You can find the prompt [here](https://twitter.com/_zisan/status/538330423688835072).
> 
>  Since I am no good with the idea of immortality, but was very much appealed by the concept of eternal love, I decided to tackle this subject in a different way, through the medium of reincarnation. 
> 
> This story retells 7 prior life spans I created for FumaKen, and each of them is connected with a historic period or event. I tried my best to handle them delicately and realistically, which consequently ended in a heavy, tragic and emotional story.
> 
>   **Warning vehemently of the following things:**
> 
>  Suicide references, War references, References of Anti semitism and Holocaust, Character deaths, Mentions of fatal sicknesses and homophobia. 
> 
> If I forgot anything, please tip me off!
> 
> Tbh, I am super nervous about posting this, and I hope none of you will have my head for this. It's very difficult subjects, and I tried to approach them carefully, so I really hope I am not offending anyone with this.
> 
> Read with care (don't read at all D: Close the tab now and forget this story exists!).

Kento had felt something special when he had first met Fuma at his audition day years ago, something deep and meaningful, like somehow, this encounter would be essential and life-changing to him. 

He had been the one addressing Fuma, and even though so many years had passed, he could still remember the expression on the younger boy’s face when he had first laid eyes on him. It had been something between relief and fascination, which hadn’t struck Kento as strange back then: His own audition had been merely a week ago, and the sensations of nerves and excitement had still been fresh in his mind. 

What had taken him slightly aback was the way he and Fuma seemed to click, how easy the conversations flew and how he felt like he had known the other for his whole life, even though really, it had been a mere ten minutes. 

He had figured that it must be fate; that he had been supposed to meet Fuma, and that they had been meant to become friends all along. But even though this assumption had been partly right, Kento had not even started to grasp the whole concept of it, not the way Fuma had done the moment he had laid eyes on him.

***

“How long have you had feelings for me?” Kento asked curiously, head nestled in Fuma’s lap as the other lazily typed away on his phone. 

Fuma hummed and looked down to meet his eyes, raising his eyebrows in question, and Kento smiled sheepishly, toying with the rings on the fingers of his free hand. 

It had only been a week since Fuma had confessed to him, straight after he had returned from his movie set in Hokkaido, and it had come as such a surprise to Kento that he still had trouble wrapping his mind around it. Fuma had always lied low when it had come to his feelings, becoming cryptic and confusing, and Kento had spent months, maybe years convincing himself that he had been the only one who felt more than friendship. 

In the present, though, Fuma was smiling at him softly, and he freed his hand of Kento’s loose grip to cup his cheek in a tender gesture. 

“Forever” Fuma said dramatically, the smile growing to a grin, and Kento rolled his eyes at him. 

“Yeah, right” he returned, not believing him. 

“I am actually serious” Fuma teased, pinching his nose playfully, and Kento glared at him exasperatedly. “I have loved you since I can think. Longer than you probably realize.”

“I see” Kento murmured, and he could feel a pleasant blush creeping over his cheeks. He was still not sure what to make out of Fuma’s answer, but he knew that his shinme was no one to recite empty phrases just to please him, and to hear that he had been treasured for a while made him happier than he could ever remember being, so maybe, the details didn’t matter as much, after all. 

***

“I hate it when you don’t talk to me” Fuma whispered, holding Kento against his bare chest, arms and legs wrapped around him in a physical try to envelop him completely, as if to not let him escape from his grasp. “It makes me feel like I can’t reach you, and that hurts me more than anything. I don’t want to lose you.”

“You are never going to lose me, Fuma” Kento replied, and Fuma shivered when his breath hit his collarbone. “We belong together. Nothing can separate us.”

“Don’t say that so easily” he protested, unexpectedly vehement, surprising Kento. “There are things in life we can’t control, Kento, and I am not ready to live my life without you!”

“I am not going anywhere” Kento said in a small voice, tightening his arms around his boyfriend’s waist. “I promise, Fuma!”

Fuma only hummed in acknowledgement, kissing the top of Kento’s head and lingering. 

***

Kento first found the ominous scrapbook when he was sitting in Fuma’s room, waiting for the other to return from the bathroom so that they could head to work. His eyes fell on it when he was packing his stuff and picked up his pants from the floor, spotting the thick, tattered binding halfway hidden under Fuma’s bed.

He would have not even paid it closer attention had he not seen his name on the cover, and before he could help himself, he had reached out for it, pulling it free from under the bed and staring at it for a moment.

He was just going to flip it open when the door opened and Fuma returned, babbling about how they should pass by the convenience store on the way out, and freezing in his tracks as he saw the object in Kento’s hands. 

Fuma had snatched it away from him faster than he could blink, hastily stuffing it into a cupboard across the room, face flushed, intriguing Kento even more.

“What is that?” he asked, watching Fuma fumble before he closed the door of the cupboard firmly. 

“Nothing” he said swiftly. “Just a few memories of us.”

“You mean a photo album?!” Kento asked, smile spreading over his face. “I want to see!”

“No!” Fuma groaned. “It’s embarrassing. Forget you saw that!”

Kento pouted at him, but Fuma didn’t let him protest any longer, claiming that they had to leave if they didn’t want to be late. 

***

Kento couldn’t shake the mysterious scrapbook out of his mind, though, so he grabbed the first opportunity he got to search for it in Fuma’s room. It was nothing unusual to come by even when Fuma was still out to wait for him, and Fuma’s mother let him in without as much of a doubt.

He sent Fuma a short message that he was waiting for him, mostly to reassure himself that he was not as much of a creeper as he felt, before setting out to search for the desired object. 

It was still where Fuma had hidden it merely last week, and Kento stared at it excitedly before crossing the room to drop down onto Fuma’s bed, making himself comfortable before opening it. 

He had expected photos of them, and maybe little anecdotes Fuma had written out or stuff that they associated with moments throughout their relationship, so he was quite baffled to find a copy of an antique painting showing two men in contemporary clothing in a traditional Japanese residence on the first page. He blinked at it, his eyes falling onto the little note Fuma had scribbled underneath. 

_中嶋健太郎 (Nakashima Kentarou) & 地野風 (Chino Fuu), 1766, Edo, Japan._

He tried to make sense out of the names and the pictures, but nothing struck him as familiar, so he turned the page. What followed were notes about what seemed like life dates from the two persons on the picture, and Kento wondered why Fuma would go through the trouble to research historic figures when he was pretty sure it was not required for his studies. He could not remember ever having crossed them in his own history classes, either, so they didn’t seem to have been immensely influential. 

He flipped further through the pages, encountering a couple more pictures of historic characters, none of which he could make any sense of. _Carlos Navarro & Felipe Quiroz, 1810, San Pedro, Paraguay_. _Mr. Kenneth Nathan & Mr. Fulk Kingsley, 1829, Derbyshire, Great Britain. Kent Nash & Fergus Kidd, 1876, North Queensland, Australia. Kai Keshet Nackmann & Humbert Kirchner, 1935, Bonn, Germany. Kenny Nason & Fuller Keaton, 1973, New York City, United States. _

Kento was still frowning at the names he had never heard of and wondered what they were doing in a scrapbook with his name on it, when the door opened and Fuma entered the room.

His eyes zoomed in on Kento first, then on the book, and with a deep resigned sigh, he closed the door behind himself and leaned against it.

“How did I know you would be looking at that one?” he mused tiredly. 

Kento bit his lip, feeling slightly guilty, but it was overruled by the confusion and the need for answers, so he pushed it down to ask: “Fuma, what exactly _is_ this, and what does it have to do with me?”

Fuma looked at him for a long moment, so intensely that Kento felt self-conscious, as if he was supposed to understand, as if his question was weird and stupid in some way.

“It’s hard to explain” Fuma said finally, chewing on his lower lip in what were obviously nerves. “It will sound strange to you, because you don’t remember the things the way I do.”

“ _What_ do you remember?” Kento frowned, searching Fuma’s face, and with a deep breath, Fuma crossed the room to sit down next to him on the bed. He was looking at his hands when he spoke. 

“What do you think about reincarnation?” he brought out finally, stunning Kento with the unexpected topic. “Have you ever had the feeling that you have lived before?”

“I… am not sure” Kento said slowly. “I have never really thought about it. Do _you_ think you have lived before?”

Fuma finally looked up to catch his eyes, and Kento found himself unable to break his gaze.

“I _know_ that I have” he replied matter-of-factly. “And I know that you have, as well.” 

Had it been anyone but Fuma saying these words to him, Kento would have probably not believed them, but it _was_ Fuma and he knew him better than anyone. He knew that he would not say things like these, knowing very well how they sounded, if he weren’t a hundred percent serious about it. 

So all he ended up returning was: “And those people…”

“They are us” Fuma nodded. “Our past lives. I tried to trace them back and document them as well as I could.”

“So… we have always been together?” Kento whispered, feeling strangely light-headed at the thought while fighting the urge to burst into irrational tears.

“Yes” Fuma confirmed, a soft smile spreading over his lips. “At one point or another, we always crossed ways, and no matter the circumstances, you always ended up the most important person in my life.”

Kento’s heart was beating so loudly in his ears that the sound seemed to numb his brain, and Fuma reached out tentatively to lace their fingers together. 

“I am sorry, I know this is confusing to you” Fuma said softly. “That’s why I didn’t want to tell you. When you were told in your past lives… Let’s say it rarely ended well, and it scared me.” 

There was a slight tremble in Fuma’s voice, and it made Kento squeeze his hand automatically. He could tell that this was hard for Fuma, and the last thing he wanted was for him to feel bad about confiding to him.

“I’m okay” Kento reassured him. “Really, I just… don’t quite understand. How come you can remember our past lived when I can’t?” 

“I think I’m not normal” Fuma murmured, lips twitching in half a joke, hidden under the weight of the situation. “I don’t think there are many other people out there who have the same ability I have. I don’t think people are _supposed_ to remember, either. Maybe I am defect.” Kento frowned disapprovingly at those words, and that made Fuma chuckle. “I don’t remember everything from the start” he tried to explain, pursing his lips thoughtfully. “I get reborn without knowing, and as I grow up, things will come back to me, through dreams and flashbacks… They only start to make sense when I meet you, though. You are like the silver lining connecting my lives. My soul mate, maybe.”

The words enveloped Kento’s heart with warmness, and he whispered, very softly: “I like that thought.”

“I knew you would” Fuma snorted, and it made Kento laugh breathlessly. 

Fuma surprised him by pulling him into his arms, hugging him as close to his body as he could. Kento automatically wrapped his own arms around Fuma’s waist, and he felt the younger one resting his chin on Kento’s shoulder. 

For a while, none of them spoke a word, and it allowed a thousand questions rush through Kento’s mind, until finally, he took a deep breath and tried to articulate them. 

“So… Our past lives…” he began, resting his head against the side of Fuma’s. “What were they like?” 

“You really want to know?” Fuma murmured, voice guarded. “They are not only nice stories, Kento. This is no romance novel, and not many of them have a happy end.”

“It’s okay” Kento returned. “I want to know the same things you do, so that I can understand what you are thinking, and why you make the decisions you do.”

Fuma nodded softly, and with a small sigh, he pulled away from their hug to scan Kento’s face. It was only for a short moment though, and Kento tried to look as determined as possible so that Fuma would not change his mind out of fear that Kento wouldn’t be able to deal with what he had to say. 

Finally, Fuma moved up on the bed, stretching his arm out invitingly for Kento to cuddle into him, and Kento smiled and snatched the scrapbook to follow. Fuma took the book out of Kento’s hands as the older rested his head on his shoulder, opening it to the first page, the one with the traditional Japanese painting. 

“In our first life, we lived in the Japan of the Edo times” Fuma explained softly, his free hand resting on Kento’s hip, holding him close as if the physical proximity comforted him, and maybe it did. “You were born 1744 in Edo under the name Nakashima Kentaro, and you were the youngest son of a prestigious clan in the Samurai class. I was born in Kyoto one year later, under the name Chino Fu, but with 17 years, I was sent to Edo by my father to stay at your residence, because your father had been educated alongside mine and they had stayed in a tight correspondence ever since. I fell in love with you practically the moment we met.”

“You did?” Kento whispered, the words doing funny things to his stomach, and Fuma chuckled as he poked his side, making Kento swat at his hand weakly. 

“Don’t be full of yourself!” Fuma scolded. “I was younger and easily impressed, and you _were_ kind of a cool, high-born guy for that time!” When I just grinned at him, Fuma rolled his eyes. “Well whatever, I had a crush for you, and apparently I was so obvious about it that even a moron like you noticed.”

Kento stuck out his tongue at him childishly, and Fuma laughed. 

***

Fu knew that Kentaro was talking, but he couldn’t bring himself to tune in on it, too distracted by the little mole on the older boy’s nose, barely visible in the dim moonlight. The swift night breeze nuzzled Kentaro’s kimono, and he looked almost breathtaking like this. Fu couldn’t have taken his eyes off of him even if he had tried. 

He blinked when Kentaro turned to look at him, biting his lip to keep from smiling, but an obvious mischievous glimmer in his eyes signalling Fu that he had missed something important.

“Huh?” Fu asked, looking at him questioningly, and Kentaro chuckled, finally allowing the grin to spread over his face. 

“Admit it, you have no idea what I was telling you just now” Kentaro said briskly. “Your staring is not very discreet.”

Fu’s eyes widened in shock, and he felt the heat creep up his cheeks, but then Kentaro was reaching out for him, swiftly placing his own hand above Fu’s. Fu couldn’t help but stare at them as if entranced. 

“I’m not saying I mind it much” Kentaro noted, voice as soft as the wind. “But I am tired of overlooking it.”

Fu was still trying to string the words together in his mind when Kentaro leaned in, ridding the other’s mind of all thoughts by pressing their lips together for a soft kiss that made Fu shiver for reasons that had nothing to do with the freshness of the night.

***

“So we were together?” Kento prodded, back in the present. “Once I had called you out, I mean?” 

Fuma snorted, but nodded. 

“Homosexuality was nothing unusual throughout the Edo period, and since both of us had older siblings and our families were well-situated, we were not forced to marry when we refused. We were pretty lucky with our circumstances in our first life, it is kind of amazing.”

“So we grew old together?” Kento asked with a smile.

Fuma made a face, frowning as he responded: “The term _old_ was relative throughout the Edo days. You were 36-years-old when you died from a fever.”

“Oh” Kento said softly, face falling, and he watched Fuma carefully as the other stared down at the picture in the scrapbook. “So you watched me die?”

“You died in my arms” Fuma whispered. “And since it was our first life, I could not take any comfort in the thought that I would meet you again once I was reborn. I didn’t know how to deal with it.”

***

“Fu…”

Fu looked up from the letter he was writing to his older brother, a little relieved to see Kentaro’s eyes open. He quickly scrambled to get to his feet, crossing the distance between them and dropping to his knees on the side of his futon. 

Kentaro was breathing heavily, and his eyelids seemed heavy, like he was struggling to keep them open. Fu reached out to place his hand on his forehead, feeling the high temperature of his skin. He was pretty sure it hadn’t sunken since last night. 

Kentaro’s hand was weak as he reached out for him, but Fu got the message anyways, climbing into the futon with him and holding him close to his chest. He watched Kentaro’s eyes fall closed again, a soft smile on his lips. 

He wasn’t sure when he drifted into a light slumber, as well, but when he awoke, Kentaro was still in his arms, all life having left his body. 

Fu could do nothing but hold him close to his chest anyways, and pretend that he was still with him, if only for a little while. 

*** 

Fuma only continued when he felt Kento’s fingers brushing over his cheekbones, bringing him back to the present. “I ended up committing suicide only months later.” Fuma admitted, shocking Kento with that piece of information. “The feeling of ‘romantic love’ had a bad reputation throughout the Edo period, because it made people act irrationally and often ended in tragedies, and I think only after I had lost you I had understood why. It was a suffocating time.”

“I am sorry” Kento whispered, emotions pressing down onto his chest at the thought of Fuma having to deal with losing him, and him suffering from the pain so much that he had taken his own life to follow him. 

Fuma didn’t answer, just pressing a soft kiss to Kento’s forehead before turning the pages of the scrapbook until a new painting appeared, this time clearly western art, showing a group of soldiers. 

“In our second life, we belonged to the army of the Spanish Empire, and our troop was situated in Paraguay” Fuma continued, pointing at one of the soldiers on the far right. “The painting is not very clear, but this is you. Your name was Carlos Navarro, and you were born 1780 in Cádiz, Spain. You were the sub-commander of our troop.”

“Where are you?” Kento asked, and Fuma’s finger moved to a figure in the second row, barely to be seen. 

“My name was Felipe Quiroz, and I was born 1781 in Madrid. I was a common soldier, and when I met you after my arrival in San Pedro… Well, you can imagine how that felt. I knew immediately who you were, of course, and all I wanted was to get close to you again. But you were a higher rank than I was, and you had obviously no idea who I was. It was frustrating.”

“How could you even be sure that it was me?” Kento frowned, staring down his past life’s portray. 

“You don’t see it in the paintings, but the lines of your face have never changed in any life” Fuma smiled. “And your eyes. I just needed to look into your eyes and I _knew_.”

“But I couldn’t recognize you?” Kento frowned. 

“No” Fuma shook his head. “So when I tried to get close to you, and finally blurted out that we had met in another life, you kind of thought I was insane. Especially since we were living in a strictly catholic society that didn’t believe in the concept of rebirth.”

***

“Commander Navarro” Felipe whispered desperately, the grip on the other man’s wrist tightening. “I beg you, please…”

“Do you even know what you are saying?!” Carlos called, finally shaking Felipe’s hand off and taking a few steps back until his back hit the walls behind him. 

“I know it is against everything our society believes in!” Felipe called. “But that doesn’t change the fact that it’s true and that I love y-”

“Don’t!” Carlos yelled, and Felipe fell silent. “Don’t…” he added, his voice much more quiet now, and with a last look at Felipe, he pushed past him, fleeing out of his sight. 

Felipe was left standing where he was, staring down the empty wall Carlos had just leaned against, but all he could see was “Kentaro”, the man from his dreams. 

***

“Ohhh” Kento murmured, eyes widening. 

“It was also a society that saw homosexuality as a sin” Fuma added, and Kento made a face. “So you practically ran for the hills. I guess I was lucky that you didn’t report me to the authorities.”

“I am very disappointed with my past self” Kento said unhappily, and Fuma snorted, squeezing his arm around his waist. 

“Don’t be” he said softly. “You actually sacrificed your life to save mine, in the end. So even if you put a distance between us throughout our lifetime, you showed your feelings for me through your death.”

“That doesn’t make me happy!” Kento whined, the indignance in his voice making Fuma laugh. 

“We died in 1811, in a battle that led up to the independence of Paraguay from the Spanish Crown” Fuma explained. “I was cornered and being attacked and then suddenly, you were there, shielding me, and being hit in the process.”

***

“Commander Navarro!” Felipe called, heaving one of the stones he was buried under to the side so he could see his face. Blood was running down his temple, and the image of “Kentaro” smiling tiredly as he closed his eyes suddenly came back to Felipe, making him shudder. “Can you hear me?! Please answer!”

“Quiroz” Carlos breathed, grimacing in pain. “Stop. Save yourself, they are still attacking!”

“I can’t!” Felipe called, and his voice was shaking. “I can’t leave you!”

He froze when Carlos caught his eyes, seeming strangely clear, suddenly, and it made Felipe’s heart race.

“If you were right” he whispered, almost smiling. “we are going to meet again in our next life. So why are you afraid?”

Felipe’s eyes widened, and he could only stare at him speechlessly as Carlos continued. 

“Maybe then, the times will be different, and we can be together.”

Felipe’s head was spinning, and he recognized that look in Carlos’ eyes from Kentaro, making him want to cry at this proof of what he had felt since he had first laid eyes on Carlos, but then, he heard a scream from closeby, and he knew that he was running out of time.  
“Run!” Carlos said firmly. “This is an order.”

Felipe’s eyes were swimming, and this was the hardest thing he had ever done, but with a deep bow, he stood and ran, leaving his commander behind. 

***

“Do you know what your last words to me were?” Fuma whispered, amd Kento shook his head, looking at him questioningly, and the younger cleared his throat before saying: ” _’If you were right, we are going to meet again in our next life, and maybe then, we can be together.’_ ”

Kento’s throat closed up, and he stared at Fuma wordlessly, but his boyfriend’s eyes were directed to the picture in the scrapbook, probably reminiscing. It made Fuma seem strangely far away, even though he was right here with him, pressed up against Kento’s body.

“I still died in that battle” Fuma said finally, his voice thin. “Maybe it was better that way, because I am pretty sure I wouldn’t have been able to handle survival.”

Kento reached up to cup Fuma’s cheek, getting his attention, and when he turned his head to face him, Kento leaned in to kiss him softly. The kiss was tender, communicating everything Kento didn’t know how to put into words, that he was sorry that he had made Fuma suffer in a past life, that he was sorry that he was forced to remember when Kento couldn’t, that he had been sentenced to deal with these terrible memories alone, but that Kento was here now, and he would never leave Fuma’s side again, not in this life, not if he had any say in it. 

When he pulled away, Fuma was biting his lip hard and turning his face back to the book, and Kento was pretty sure he could see tears hanging on his eyelids. But he didn’t get a chance to comment on it, because Fuma quickly turned the pages to the next painting, one that looked like a European royal portray.

“We were reborn the same year in England” Fuma said determinedly, clearing his throat and pointing at one of the two men in the portray, dark haired and lean and sitting on a windowsill, looking out over the garden outside the residence. “That is you, Kenneth Nathan, the son of the earl of Derbyshire. And that is me,” he pointed at another man, slightly more bulky and with blond hair, who was sitting in a chair across the room and looking up at Kento’s past self. “Fulk Kingsley, the son of the widowed and deceased sister of your uncle’s wife.”

“... What?” Kento blinked, not having understood a word of Fuma’s explanation, and it made the other smile again. 

“An orphaned relative in law that ended up staying at your residence from the age of 9 on” Fuma explained. “Practically, we were childhood friends, glued to each other by the hips.”

“That sounds nice” Kento smiled, for a moment fondly entertaining himself with the image of him and Fuma playing together as kids. 

“It was” Fuma nodded. “I stayed your closest confident all through our adolescence. I was very happy about that.”

“Just my closest confident?” Kento noted, and Fuma made a face.

“I could remember what had happened in our past life, and I was not going to make the same mistake again” Fuma replied defensively. “Plus, there were a lot of social expectations on your shoulders, and I didn’t want to make your life harder by confessing feelings that I knew you weren’t allowed to answer to. I was just happy to be allowed to be by your side.”

“So you just didn’t do anything?!” Kento demanded, and Fuma rolled his eyes at the incredulous tone of his voice. 

“I did it for _your sake_ , you moron!” he snapped, glaring at Kento half-heartedly. 

“But that’s sad!” the older one pouted.

“Clearly, Kenneth thought the same” Fuma chuckled darkly, the corners of his mouth twitching. “Because he ended up confessing to me.”

“Well, see, I am smart” Kento said in a small voice, grinning sheepishly when Fuma smacked him in the head. 

“Yes, very smart” he returned sarcastically. “You snuck into my room at night in tears, telling me that your marriage had been arranged and that you didn’t want to go through with it because you loved me!”

“That is… romantic?” Kento tried, and Fuma tsk’ed at that. “You better didn’t turn me down, or I might need to hit you!”

“How could I have?!” Fuma murmured, his voice heavy again. “I loved you more than anything, and you were begging me to be with you… I didn’t have it in me to refuse you anything.”

***

It took Fulk off guard, the loud, persistent knocking on his door at past midnight, but he quickly threw over a gown before crossing the room to open. 

He didn’t expect Kenneth at his doorstep at this hour, especially not with eyes red and puffed in a way that made his heart clench at the sight.

“What happened?” he demanded, and Kenneth pushed past him, inviting himself into Fulk’s room. Fulk closed the door behind him softly, before turning around to face him.

“They decided on my marriage” Kenneth told him, his voice shaking, and Fulk took a deep breath, his chest tight in emotions. 

“I thought they would soon” Fulk admitted, and Kenneth turned to look at him incredulously. 

“So that’s it?!” Kenneth demanded, his voice high from the tears. “You are just going to accept it?!”

“I… don’t know what you mean” Fulk whispered, his heart racing in his ears as he watched Kenneth slump down on the couch, head in his hands.

“I love you” he breathed, barely audible, but Fulk could still catch it perfectly well. “I can’t marry when I feel like this, so please, stop me from entering this marriage! Fight for me!”

Fulk felt dizzy from Kenneth’s words, and he desperately reached out to hold himself steady on the wall at his side. 

When Kenneth looked up at him, fresh tears hung on his eyelids, and it felt like someone was ramming a dagger right through his heart. 

“Kenneth, we can’t” he whispered. “I can’t, and above all you can’t, your family-”

“I don’t care about my family!” Kenneth called. “My loyalty to them doesn’t change what I am feeling, so please…”

“Kenneth…”

“ _Please_!” 

Kenneth was sobbing now, and it was all Fulk could take. Before he had even consciously decided on it, he was across the room, cupping Kenneth’s face in his hands and kissing him. 

People would say that this was a sin, but in the contrary, it felt like a salvation, and as Kenneth moaned softly against his lips, he knew that not being with him would never have been a choice for him. 

***

“That’s so you” Kento said softly, reaching up to stroke the bangs out of Fuma’s eyes. “You act so tough, but you are really just a big old softie, just like me.”

“You!!” Fuma rolled his eyes, but there was no heat in his words, and he allowed Kento to run his fingers through his hair a little longer. “We ended up committing suicide together” Fuma continued finally, his voice no louder than a whisper. “The night before your wedding. We were merely 19 years old.”

***

Fulk couldn’t keep himself from touching Kenneth, running fingertips up his bare back, over his shoulders and neck, making the boy in his arms shiver. Kenneth had his eyes closed as he was resting his cheek on Fulk’s chest, his breathing long since having returned back to normal, even if the room still smelled of the intimacies they had shared earlier. 

“Are you scared?” 

Kenneth’s voice was soft and quiet, and Fulk allowed himself to stroke his soft hair. 

“No” he said sincerely. “Because I know that this is not the end. We will meet again.”

“In heaven?” Kenneth asked in confusion, opening his eyes to look up at him, and Fulk smiled as he shook his head. 

“No” he replied. “This is not our first life, you know, and I am pretty sure it will not be our last, either.”

Kenneth seemed to consider these words, before smiling back at him. 

“That actually makes me feel better.”

Fulk leaned in, and Kenneth met him halfway, kissing him so tenderly that Fulk’s skin tingled with the sensations.

When they pulled away, Kenneth held him close, looking deeply into his eyes.

“Are you ready?” 

Fulk nodded, reaching out for two tiny glass bottles on the bedside table. He looked at them for a moment before giving one of them to Kenneth, keeping the other for himself. He watched as Kenneth uncapped it, holding in to wait for Fulk to imitate him. 

They gulped the poison down at the same time, and when their bottles were empty, they smiled at each other and leaned in for another kiss. 

***

“That _is_ romantic, though” Kento pointed out quietly. “Like Romeo and Juliet.”

“You are hopeless” Fuma sighed, shaking his head and turning the pages wordlessly. 

He stopped at an ancient black-and-white photography that showed two young men, one having thrown his arm around the other’s shoulders, and Kento’s breath hitched when he focused on their faces, his eyes widening. 

They looked exactly like a foreign version of him and Fuma, only blond and the features less Asian, but everything else, from the smiles to the eyes, were a hundred percent them, so much that Kento felt goosebumps on his skin. 

“Meet Kent Nash and Fergus Kidd” Fuma noted. “Miners during the gold rush in Australia.”

***

“Fergie” he heard John call, one of the miners he had met back in Gympie, before he had decided to move on to Canoona. “Let me introduce you to Kent! He knows the area quite well, and said he would take us to some good places! Good fella, he is!”

Fergus turned to them, and his breath hitched as his eyes fell on the young man at John’s side. He could have singled him out between millions, and a smile found its way onto his face as he felt like his world fell into place. 

“Hey Fergie” he smiled, reaching out his hand to shake Fergus’. “I am Kent, nice to meet you!”

“Nice to meet you!” Fergus nodded, though he felt like the polite expression did nothing to express how happy he really was about their encounter. 

***

“This is…” Kento whispered, still staring.

“I told you” Fuma chuckled. “It would have been hard to not recognize you.”

Kento nodded, feeling a little dazed, and Fuma fondly ruffled his hair. 

“The time in Australia was actually the happiest period we had had since Edo Japan” Fuma told him with a smile. “We made good money with our work, and were able to be together. It was not like there were no prejudices against same sex relationships, but we kept our feelings to ourselves, and so it was fine. We lived a long, fulfilled life, and it was actually the one time that you outlived me, so I didn’t need to watch you die.”

“I can’t even imagine how it must feel, having you go before me” Kento whispered, feeling his eyes burn only at the thought of it. “I am kind of glad that I don’t remember.”

“You should be” Fuma said with a sigh, before flipping some more pages, until he finally found another photo, one of a small group of soldiers. 

“Fergus died in 1892 and Kent three years later, and we were reborn in France, under the names Quentin Nacagens and Francois Quicourvel. We met when we were called into duty to fight near the German border in World War Ⅰ.”

Kento could single out who on the photo was them without Fuma having to explain it, and it should have been strange, seeing his own face looking back at him from an unfamiliar body, but the fact that it was Fuma next to him somehow made it natural. 

***

“Quentin!” Francois called quietly when he finally found the younger one behind some bush near their lair, secretly smoking a cigarette. 

“Shhh” Quentin grimaced, waving him towards him, and Francois sighed as he climbed behind the bush as well and sat down in the grass next to Quentin.

“If they find us out here smoking, they will be furious” Francois noted quietly, and Quentin shrugged. 

“This might be our last night” he mused, referring to the appending battle tomorrow, and Francois sighed in agreement. He took the cigarette when Quentin offered it to him, taking a deep drag. 

He startled a little when Quentin shifted, resting his head in Francois’ lap, but he didn’t stop him, just smiling when Quentin raised his eyebrows at him as if in challenge. 

They were silent for a while, and Francois smoked the cigarette till the end before putting it out on the damp floor.

“Why do you think we have been born in these kind of times?” Quentin asked, looking at Francois thoughtfully, and the other pursed his lips. 

“I don’t think it will be our last life” he said with a shrug. “I am sure there will be better ones.”

“You think so?” Quentin sighed, and Francois smiled as he gently brushed a finger over the other’s cheek. He remembered the faces of Kentaro, Carlos, Kenneth and Kent before whispering, very softly: “I have no doubt.”

Quentin smiled, leaning into Francois’s touch, and the older thought that only for this moment, this life was worth living. 

***

“We didn’t have much time together” Fuma said regretfully. “We died in a battle only weeks after we had met, in 1917.”

“That is cruel” Kento whispered, eyes still glued to Fuma’s face on the photo.

“Not as cruel as our next life” Fuma said heavily, and Kento looked up at him questioningly as Fuma turned the pages.

He stopped at a page with two separate photos of them, Fuma with what seemed like light, blond hair, Kento’s being dark and curly.

“We were reborn in Germany, in a time that led up to World War Ⅱ” Fuma said quietly, staring at the photo of Kento’s earlier life with the most unreadable expression. “My name was Humbert Kirchner, and yours was Kai Keshet Nackmann. You were of Jewish descent.” 

“Oh” Kento whispered, finally understanding why Fuma’s voice was sounding so heavy suddenly, and wrapping an arm around his waist as if in support.

“We grew up together” Fuma explained. “You lived next door, and though anti semitism was common in Germany throughout that time, my parents never seemed to have any prejudices. You were my best friend up into our school days, and I treasured you a lot. But then, in the year 1933, the persecution of Jews started.”

“Oh my god” Kento whispered, feeling shivery at the thought. 

“They began to bully you at school” Fuma whispered. “And me, for protecting you. The teachers punished you for things you had never done. We were stopped from entering a public bath together because they didn’t want you inside. Your father lost your job and it left your family in financial problems. It went to the point where you asked me to stay away from you.”

“To protect you?” Kento asked. 

“Yes” Fuma nodded, and he was pale, seeming far, far away, as if reliving those days again.

***

“What do you mean, we shouldn’t be meeting anymore?!” Humbert demanded, yelling because Kai wouldn’t look at him. “Answer me, damnit!”

“You know exactly why!” Kai shouted, his voice thin and sharp. “You shouldn’t be associated with me! It’s dangerous!”

“I don’t care! Humbert called. “You know exactly that I couldn’t care less if you are Jewish, Arian or Chinese! You are still you!”

“And exactly this kind of thinking will bring you into trouble!” Kai groaned, finally turning to face him. His eyes were glossed over and red, and it made Humbert ball his fists. “Race matters in our society, even if it doesn’t matter to you! And I am not going to be the reason that you suffer!”

“If you say another word, I swear I will punch you!” Humbert threatened, his voice choked, and Kai laughed bitterly. 

“You know that this is only the beginning!” Kai called. “They won’t stop here! Violence against my folks has already started, and it will spread! Jewish kids are not accepted to schools anymore, and I am waiting for them to expel me any day now! Marriage between Arians and Jews are prohibited, and at some point, even associating with us will be! What are you going to do then, go to prison for talking to me?!”

“I am not going to stay away from you because of what a stupid political party says!” Humbert yelled. 

“It’s not a stupid political party, it’s the whole fucking state, including its people!” Kai protested. “I belong to a lower class of people now, and I am not going to pull you down with me!”

“That’s not up to you to decide” Humbert pointed out. 

“Yes, it damn well is!” Kai hissed, and the tear that ran down his cheek made Humbert snap. 

Before he knew it, he had backed Kai up against the wall, muffling his protests with a bruising kiss. 

He had wanted to kiss Kai for a long long time, but things had spiraled out of control and he hadn’t dared,hadn’t wanted to make Kai’s life any harder than it already was, but if Kai wanted to put distance between them now, he was not going to sit by and watch him walk away.

This person was his soul mate, and he was not going to leave him out of sight for anything in the world. Only over his dead body was he going to leave his side. 

When Humbert finally pulled away, both of Kai’s hands still pinned firmly at the sides of his head, tears were streaming down his face openly, and Humbert leaned in to kiss them away.

“Love among men is prohibited, too, especially if one of them is Jewish” Kai sobbed. “You are only making things worse.”

“I don’t care” Humbert repeated.

“You are stupid!”

“Maybe I am.”

A soft whine escaped Kai’s lips, and Humbert let go of his hands to envelope him in a tight embrace. Kai didn’t fight him anymore, just cried into his shoulder, and Humbert knew he had won the discussion.

***

“1938, the ‘Night of broken glass” took place” Fuma continued, his voice merely more than a whisper now. “People destroyed synagogues and property of Jewish families, among them the apartment your family lives in. You only stayed safe because I hid you in my apartment. Your parents disappeared that night, probably having been arrested and taken to a concentration camp.”

“That is horrible” Kento breathed, feeling sick to the bones. 

“I kept locking you away, hiding you from the world” Fuma murmured, and his voice was shaking. “I was so careful that no one knew you were staying with me. I told others that you had disappeared along with your parents, that I thought you were dead, but of course the Gestapo knew that I was lying. They knew that you hadn’t been present when your parents were taken. They kept me under watch until in April 1940, they broke into my apartment and separated us forcefully.”

***

“You can’t hide me in here forever” Kai pointed out, watching Humbert change out of his work clothes across the room. “They will find out, at some point.”

“I will think of something” Humbert said airily, though really, he did not have the slightest clue what he could do to prevent it.

Kai nodded, looking resigned, and Humbert looked at him for a moment before crossing the room and climbing onto the bed with him. 

He straddled Kai’s hips and waited until the other met his eyes.

“I am not going to let them hurt you” Humbert promised. “I promise.”

Kai smiled tiredly, and Humbert leaned down to kiss him softly. 

Their kiss was interrupted by loud hammering on the door, and both of them jerked in shock. 

“Gestapo here! We have a search warrant! Open the door!”

“Shit!” Humbert hissed, jumping up and pulling Kai with him. The noises from the door became louder, indicating that they were trying to break it down, and in his panic, Humbert tore open the door of the closet and pushed Kai inside. “Don’t make a sound, I will handle them!”

He had just managed to close the door behind Kai and lock the closet when the door gave in, and before he knew it, a dozen uniformed people were entering his apartment.

He was going to yell at them to get out, but they had knocked him down before he could even bring out the words. The key slipped from his hands as he fell, and one of them took it, unlocking the closet.

Humbert was shouting, and he could hear Kai’s protests when they pulled him free violently, but then, a baton hit him right in the head, and everything became black.

When he came to again, his apartment had been ravaged, and messages like “Disgrace of Race” were smeared onto the walls.

Kai was gone.

***

“I kept searching for you” Fuma whispered, and Kento’s throat tightened up when he saw a tear slip Fuma’s eyes. “But it was no use. When I researched in a later life, I found out that they had brought you to a concentration camp and killed you.”

Fuma held in, apparently unable to keep on, and Kento hugged him close, losing the fight against his own tears as Fuma sobbed into his shoulder. 

It took a long time until Fuma had calmed down enough to pull away, and Kento quickly reached for tissues and water, fussing over him until Fuma seemed to be able to continue. 

“It was the worst thing I had experienced in any life, you being taken away from me like that. That I was not able to protect you. I couldn’t forgive myself for that, and it drove me insane.”

“Did you stay alive for long after I was gone?” Kento asked quietly. 

“5 years” Fuma whispered. “I died in a bombardment of our hometown shortly before the end of the war.”

“That seems like a very long time” Kento noted. 

“It seemed like 50 years” Fuma agreed. 

“I am sorry” Kento said honestly. “I hope I made up for it in our next life.”

The ghost of a smile found its way onto Fuma’s lips, and he seemed to be choosing his words carefully as he answered: “... well… let’s say you tried.”

Kento whined, and Fuma chuckled as he pulled him back down against him, picking up the scrapbook again and flipping towards the last picture. It was the only picture in color, and Kento found him and Fuma looking back at them in such ridiculous clothing that he could tell it was from the 70s without even glancing at the date.

“I was reborn 1945 in Chicago, under the name Fuller Keaton” Fuma sighed. “And it took almost 30 years until I crossed ways with you.”

“30 years?!” Kento demanded incredulous. “What have we been doing in the meantime?!”

“Well, you were 5 years older than me, and born and raised in New York” Fuma shrugged. “We only really met because I joined a theatre group throughout my college days, and it allowed me to travel. I went to Germany, too, and was able to research our past lives. It was when I seriously found records of our existences that I realized what my dreams really meant, and that I needed to find you.”

“How did you find me?” Kento asked curiously.

“By chance” Fuma smiled. “I was casted for a tiny role in a musical on the Broadway, and you were the choreographer.”

***

Fuller couldn’t help but stand rooted in the doorway, eyes following the elegant way the man across from him moved through the room. The rehearsal room was still empty, but this was not why the other man had captured his attention; it was the face Fuller could see through the mirrors, one that had appeared in his dreams for the past 29 years and that he had found in the black-and-white photos back in Germany. 

Kai. Quentin. Kent. Kenneth, Carlos, Kentaro… Whatever his name was now, he was here, dancing like he was some mythical creature, almost surreal, and beautiful.

The song came to an end, and the other man came to a halt, panting as he crossed the room to turn off the record player. It was only then, that he took note of Fuller. 

“Oh, sorry, I hadn’t realized that I wasn’t alone” he smiled, approaching him and stretching out his hand. “Kenny Nason, choreographer”

Fuller shook his hand almost in trance, thinking that finally, his life had received some meaning.

***

“You had actually gotten married and divorced even before we met” Fuma said softly. “You told me that you had desperately searched for love, but no relationship had ever worked out the way you wanted it to. Until you met me.”

“Of course it hadn’t” Kento whispered. “I always kind of doubted that I could love anyone but you, but now, after all these stories…”

Fuma smiled, softly kissing his lips, and Kento let himself indulge in it for a moment, until Fuma pulled back to look at him again. 

“We fell in love, inevitably, and though the America of those times wasn’t especially favorable to gay relationships, in the show business and in a metropolitan like New York, we did not encounter as much opposition. For 10 years, we were blissfully happy… Until you became sick.”

“ _No_ ” Kento sighed, and Fuma chuckled darkly.

“It was Leukemia” he whispered. “You fought it, but even after your condition had improved, it returned two more times. With 54 years, your body had become so weak that you couldn’t fight anymore, and I had to let you go. Again.”

“I don’t like that I always ended up leaving you” Kento complained. 

“Yeah, tell me about it” Fuma scoffed, glaring at him halfheartedly and squeezing his arms around his waist. 

***

“Fuller” Kenny whispered, and Fuller hummed, squeezing his arms around him lightly, afraid to hurt him. He had become so thin in the past few months that he seemed almost breakable. “I don’t think I am going to make it for much longer.”

“Don’t say that” Fuller whispered, though he knew that it was probably true. No chemotherapy was having any more effect, and even medication didn’t seem to dullen Kenny’s pain properly anymore. He was only a ghost of what he used to be, and as much as Fuller clung to the hope that a miracle would still happen, he knew deep down that eventually, he would have to just let him go.

“You are going to search for me in your next life, right?” Kenny asked tentatively. “You promised.”

“Of course I will” Fuller nodded. He had told Kenny about their prior life circles, one dark night when the emotions had run away with both of them, and Kenny had said that he was afraid of dying. Thankfully, after hearing everything Fuller could remember, Kenny had come to terms with it. Sometimes, Fuller wondered if he would have fought harder had he not told him, but it was no good to dwell in these thoughts. 

“Even if I am like 40 years older and a fat geezer when you are born?” Kenny made a face, and Fuller snorted. 

“Even then.”

“That sounds awful.”

“Shut up.”

Kenny sighed, idly stretching in Fuller’s embrace. 

“I am glad that you are my soul mate” Kenny whispered. “You have the best of hearts. I am lucky to have met you, no matter in which time and place. Never forget that.”

Fuller had to gulp against the lump in his throat, but he turned his head and kissed Kenny’s forehead anyways, trying not to ponder about how his skin felt like paper under his lips.

“I love you” Fuller whispered, making Kenny smile.

“I love you” Kenny replied. 

***

“I died a year after you did, in a car accident” Fuma concluded, smiling tiredly at Kento. “Which brings us to Kikuchi Fuma’s birth 1995, and our meeting in 2008.”

“So, is this life any better than the others?” Kento asked lightly.

“Until now? It makes the top 3” Fuma jokes, pecking his lips when Kento pouted. 

“I’m not going to make you suffer again” Kento promised. “We are going to stay together, in this life. No one can part us.”

“Haven’t you heard enough yet to know that you can’t always influence that?” Fuma sighed. 

“I have, but I also heard enough to know that we are fated to be together” Kento said seriously, a slow smile spreading over his face. “And these are different times, Fumatan. It’s gonna be fine. Believe me.”

Fuma chuckled, and Kento was relieved to find a real smile returning to his lips.

“I love you” Fuma whispered. “More than anything, no matter who I am and where I am. Never forget that.”

“I love you, too” Kento returned, quickly pressing their lips together before his emotions ran away with him. 

Because after all he had heard today, the one thing that had struck him most was how in every life, Fuma had stayed loyal and waited for him, and that alone meant more to him than he could ever put into words.

He had no idea how to make it up to Fuma, but then again, he had a life time to try. 


End file.
